What were you thinking?

Sometimes I wonder what my Mom must have been thinking or feeling the weeks, or even maybe months before she passed away.

Even after she survived when doctors said she wouldn't, did she know it wouldn't be forever?
I think so.

When she had her first stroke did she know this was the "home stretch?"
I think so. 

These are questions I've thought of a million times and rationalized my own answers. Whether they be true or not, I'm comfortable with the answers I believe to be true.

It wasn't until I had Hadley that I questioned other things. Obviously, there were things as a young girl that I never considered. There were never things that I thought about even when I was pregnant.

It's in those dark, quiet moments at night, when I'm rocking her to sleep, that my mind begins to wander.

Did she know that in this "home stretch" that I would be left without a parent?
Obviously.

Did she know that I would be taken care of?
Of course. I currently lived with my grandparents anyway...

But the real questions I wonder:

How did she feel knowing I wouldn't have a parent?
How did she feel knowing she will no longer be here to take care of me?
How did she feel knowing she would be leaving soon?

I cannot even begin to imagine how I would feel if I knew I'd be leaving Hadley, forever, some time soon.
There is no one, in my mind, good enough to "mother" my baby like I could.
Would Hadley be healthy? O.K.? Taken care of? LOVED?
Absolutely. There is no doubt in my mind.

But she needs her Mommy.
...like I need my Mommy.

I, so often, think that it's a little strange for me to miss, and sometimes long for, my Mom and wish she were here. I never knew her as an "adult" so how do I know what I'm even missing? But I wish I never had to question any of these things to begin with.

As exciting as this Mother's day will be because I have my baby here with me this year, it will always be a little bitter. Maybe even more so this year...