Anniversary trip

{This post is in relation to stuff that happened a month ago. Still wanted to update} 

A few months ago Lee got a new work schedule. This means that every other week he has 5 days in a row off work. 

During one of his 5 day weekends, we decided to go on a little anniversary trip to Moore/Norman. I know that doesn't seem exciting, but we went to college in Moore. All of our best friends live in Norman so we were excited to go. 

Then May 20, 2013 happened. 2 1/2 miles wide and about 17 miles on the ground happened. An EF-5 tornado happened. 

My heart broke and time stood still. As we sat in the living room and watched this happened, on tv, we panicked. We both have family that live in Moore. Our friends are in the area. 

After much debating, we decided to still go to Moore. When we got there we met up with our friend, Karen, and went into Moore to try and find her husband who was helping serve the city with their church. 

We eventually found him. And as we were leaving we stumbled upon ground zero and the Plaza Tours Elementary school. This is the school where most of the children were lost in the storm. 

 Ground zero - everything was gone

This was Plaza Towers. Someone placed 7 little crosses in memorial to the children lost there.

That night we met up with all of our friends for dinner. We had a great time, but naturally I didn't get a single picture :( 

change is hard

Things have changed.

I started working again. Three days a week. For four and a half hours each time. Nothing major.

Lee's schedule changed again. He now works Tuesday through Friday. He is off Saturday, Sunday, Monday. Hallelujah! 

Hadley got her first real "bug." And by "bug" I don't mean a creepy crawling one. 

...Then Momma got Hadley's friendly little bug. Still not the creepy crawling one.

We lost a dear, precious, family friend. 

We've spent many hours crying, praying, planning. More crying. 

We celebrated the joining of a new man and wife today.

We spent more time crying over the loss of a friend. 

It's been a whirlwind these last few weeks. These last four days, in particular, are a blur.

Right now it's just hard. 

We've had changes in our personal life with me working and Lee shift change. Then changes in our friend's lives that affect us so deeply, as well. 

Tomorrow will begin with rejoicing of a life and remembering sweet promises God offers to His people.

The next few days will be emotional. 

My heart is so broken for this family. My friends. More like my own family. 

Give me Jesus.

I'm not a political person. Sometimes I'm not even politically correct. But as we move into election season the more I get worried.

I'm not worried about who is going to be President.

I'm not a registered voter. (Yes, cringe. You now think I'm a terrible American. Moving on...)
I do not vote. I, also, do not complain. Really, I don't.
Mostly because I'm not "up-to-date" on the Presidential candidates and their given platforms.
Irregardless...! (Mean Girls, anyone?)

I'm worried about the people, of this country.
People are mean.
People are opinionated.
Yet, people are, also, intolerant.

August 1, 2012: CFA - Appreciation Day.
POINT AND CASE.
People are nasty.


Someone explain this to me:

There was no controversy or uproar from the Christian community about this advertisement.
No one "boycotted" Target.

Then this quote: 

“We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that."  And then later saying, “I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say ‘we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage’ and I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about” -Dan Cathy, President of Chick-fil-a corporation. 

Got turned into: Dan Cathy, his family, and anyone that supports Chick-fil-a are homophobic and hate the gay community.

I'm baffled. Completely mind-blown. 

Yes, there is the argument of our first amendment rights to freedom of speech. 

But that "free speech" is apparently only tolerated when you're going with the secular world view. Forget it, if you have your own religious views and values. Then it's hate speech. 

Honestly, I don't know that gay marriage is such a "bad" thing. 

Do I agree with it? No.

Do I think it is biblical? Of course not.

But are they really hurting anyone if they are allowed to get a piece of paper saying they are married? Not really. 

It's no different (for the sake of the argument) than polygamy.

Polygamy is illegal.

Polygamy is not biblical.

Polygamists get married and "hid" their marriages and are not harming anyone. 

(I'm talking about Sisterwives kind of polygamy. Not the creepy "married to a 12 year old, against her will" polygamy.)

Does anyone else see my point? 

Again, I don't agree with gay marriage or polygamy. But I also don't see that they are truly harming others. 

(...WOW! I got way off topic than where I was originally headed!! So all that to say...)

I don't want to chose a "right" or "wrong." 

I don't want to support a company based on my personal beliefs and be labeled as something I'm not. 

I don't want to decide anything that is not up to me. 

And I most certainly do not want to judge anyone because that was not intended for me. 

We need to chose Jesus and trust and believe He controls this world, even though sometimes we think we do. 

The song "Give Me Jesus" was on repeat in my head all day, on August 1st. So simple, so true.

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone, 
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world, 
You can have all this world, 
Just give me Jesus.

Prayer for Rosalie

{I need to update about Hadley's first birthday, her party, and the events as of lately, 

but I will get to those later. This is post is needed now.}

**All photos have been copied from the "Please Pray for Rosalie" Facebook page**

You may or may not have heard about the little 2 1/2 year old girl in Owasso who nearly drown last week. Her mother, Tiffany, is a year older than me and we attended the same high school. I did not personally know her, but we had mutual friends. 

My heart breaks for this family and what they are going through, right now. Little sweet Rosalie has already done better than doctors expected her too. Her mother posted yesterday that the doctors have, now, said that there is nothing else they can medically do for her. She is still fighting. 

Most importantly God is still God who is a Healer and doing miracles today!

She has been on my mind all day and the song "Wonderful, Merciful, Savior" keeps coming to mind. Specific verses of that song seem so powerful and fitting right now.

"All Mighty, Infinite, Father, faithfully loving Your own. Here in our weakness You find us, falling before Your thrown."

"You are the one that we praise! You are the one we adore! You give the healing and grace our, hearts always hunger for." 

Goodwin family

Sweet Rosalie

Remember this family and PRAY!

This was not a surprise to God. Nothing is a surprise to Him. That is so hard for me to wrap my Earthly mind around. It's natural for us to question things. It's so hard to accept sometimes that things are part of His perfect plan. Even the bad and ugly. We have to trust this is His plan. 

If you haven't already: go LIKE "Please Pray for Rosalie" Facebook page. Read her story. Pray for this sweet baby girl. 

Obsessed

Has anyone ever watched the show "My Mom is Obsessed?" This show is nuts.

Each episode there are different women with different "obsession." I caught one episode of a woman obsessed with weight. A woman being obsessed with her weight (especially in today's society) is completely normal. BUT this woman's obsession was on another level: 

*She weighed her self every-single-morning.

*Works about every-single-day for at least two - three hours. 

She also obsesses about her daughters weight in fear that she will gain weight when she gets older. Everyone gains weight as they get older. This lady "blames" her weight issues on when she had her first pregnancy she gained 50 lbs. Totally normal. Maybe 50 lbs. was more than her doctor suggested, but still normal. She is so paranoid about her daughters potential weight gain that she: 

*Makes her daughter call her at lunch every-single-day so she can tell her the options the school is providing so she can tell her what she is allowed to eat and what she is not allowed. 

*Lectures her daughter when she eats anything that she does not give her permission to eat.

*Grounds her daughter if she goes out for pizza (or any other place that involves food) with her friends. 

*On occasion weighs her daughter if she feels like she has eaten things behind her back or hasn't felt comfortable with her meal choices that week. 

I'm serious - this show is nuts!...impartially this lady!

I just don't understand how this lady really thought she was "helping" her daughter prevent future "weight issues" by being so critical of her. It was more like she was preparing her for her future eating disorder and self-conscious body images. 

Our job as parents - especially mother's to young girls - are to empower them. 

To brush their hair, when they are 4 years old, and them how beautiful they are just the way they are...

To remind them, when they are 13 years old, that all girls go through that weird phase when we gain weight, change shapes, and feel awkward...

To set an example, when they are 17 years old, and teach them to dress modestly. (Cor. 6:19-20)

...so on and so forth.

You see where I'm going here.

"The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and good conscience and a sincere faith"

1 Timothy 1:5 NIV 

What were you thinking?

Sometimes I wonder what my Mom must have been thinking or feeling the weeks, or even maybe months before she passed away.

Even after she survived when doctors said she wouldn't, did she know it wouldn't be forever?
I think so.

When she had her first stroke did she know this was the "home stretch?"
I think so. 

These are questions I've thought of a million times and rationalized my own answers. Whether they be true or not, I'm comfortable with the answers I believe to be true.

It wasn't until I had Hadley that I questioned other things. Obviously, there were things as a young girl that I never considered. There were never things that I thought about even when I was pregnant.

It's in those dark, quiet moments at night, when I'm rocking her to sleep, that my mind begins to wander.

Did she know that in this "home stretch" that I would be left without a parent?
Obviously.

Did she know that I would be taken care of?
Of course. I currently lived with my grandparents anyway...

But the real questions I wonder:

How did she feel knowing I wouldn't have a parent?
How did she feel knowing she will no longer be here to take care of me?
How did she feel knowing she would be leaving soon?

I cannot even begin to imagine how I would feel if I knew I'd be leaving Hadley, forever, some time soon.
There is no one, in my mind, good enough to "mother" my baby like I could.
Would Hadley be healthy? O.K.? Taken care of? LOVED?
Absolutely. There is no doubt in my mind.

But she needs her Mommy.
...like I need my Mommy.

I, so often, think that it's a little strange for me to miss, and sometimes long for, my Mom and wish she were here. I never knew her as an "adult" so how do I know what I'm even missing? But I wish I never had to question any of these things to begin with.

As exciting as this Mother's day will be because I have my baby here with me this year, it will always be a little bitter. Maybe even more so this year...

new meaning

I'm a music person. I feel there are so many times in life when I'm feeling a certain way, but I cannot find the words to express myself. Then a song magically plays and that's exactly how I'm feeling. 

I've also found that there are songs that take on a new meaning throughout different stages of life. The song "Thoughts of You" by Barlow Girl is one of those multi-purpose-stage-of-life songs. The song is written as to be sung to God. At a time in my life, that was, and will always be, completely relevant. 

As I got older, went to college, met a boy who changed my life... The song took on a new meaning. This song was played at our wedding.

"...I love you. My heart is yours, only yours..."

After two years of being married we welcomed a little baby girl into the world and into our lives. And again... The song took on a new meaning. I play this song to Hadley every single night as she is falling asleep. 

"Thoughts of you and how you've changed me, fill my mind."

But the foundation and the truth of the song has always been the same:

"God I never could repay You. You gave everything." 

"Thoughts Of You"

Thoughts of You and how You changed me
Fill my mind
Without You where would I be

So even though I've tried to express my thanks
It never comes out how I hoped
I want to say so much more so with these simple words
I'll try

[Chorus:]
I love You
My heart is Yours, only Yours
I long to give You all of me
My everything, my everything

God I never could repay You
You gave everything
Without You where would I be

You still loved me even when I
Pushed You away
You stood there and waited
Till the day I'd return

blessed beyond measure.

I'm naturally a nosey person. You are too - DON'T EVEN LIE, YOU ARE!

I enjoy reading blogs. I love to see a tiny glimpse into people's lives, home, and daily routines.

I follow a lot of "mom" blogs. I love to read about their pregnancies. Hear about their birth stories. See pictures of their cute little kiddos.

...But then there are days of heartbreak and pain.

There are the blogs of the moms whose children endure so much pain and suffering. The babies born with problems, that as a mother, you cannot fix.

I read these blogs of these Mommy's crying out to God for help, relying of the doctors, and clinging to every laugh, smile, or kiss from their baby because it may be their last.

I read so many blogs about babies with heart defects...babies who have died of S.I.D.S....babies who have unexplained brain tumors....babies who have rare illnesses. All of these which have inevitably taken their little lives.

My heart cannot help, but ache for these families. When you plan (or do not plan) to become pregnant, you never ever consider that you baby may have a problem. It's not something you plan on or sign up for. And as hard as it is to imagine or even understand - God planned it. He chose each mother to carry that special baby. He knew the road would be hard, but that's why he chose that Mommy.

I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to know your child has a problem that you cannot fix. And not only can you not fix it, you are relying on others to help.

I'm so thankful that my Hadley was born so perfectly. I had a healthy pregnancy. I have a healthy baby girl. It's when I'm browsing through the "blog world" that I remember how blessed we are just to be normal.

My heart nearly bursts when I look at these faces and realized how lucky we are to have them! Happy and healthy! 

Expressions of the heart

I've always been a writer of some sorts. By "writer" I don't mean perfect grammar and proper punctuation all the time. Maybe I should say journal-er? Is that even a word? I don't know... 

Anyway, I've always been comfortable writing. While in school, high school or college, I was never the student to complain of a writing assignment or essay of any sorts. It was something I was relatively decent at doing. I was always the nerd that loved essay questions on test because if you didn't know the exact answer you were at least given the opportunity to gain some points by writing what you did know, at the very minimum. 

When I was a Sophomore in high school, my mom became very ill. She was in and out of the hospital for months with phenomena. It never really seemed to go away. To make a really long story short she was diagnosed with Wegener's Granulomatosis. During those months she spent in the hospital my grandma kept a very detailed list of: medication she was given, doctors visits / diagnosis's, questions she had, improvements she made, or the times she got worse. She also kept a separate list of: people who visited, people who called, and people who brought food or gifts.

At some point in time and for whatever reason that I can't even remember now I began compiling and typing my grandma's personal lists into a "journal" to save to the computer. Many months later this journal almost became therapeutic for me. It turned into a place I wrote how I felt about what was going on at that time. It was an outlet I had to myself to express myself without feeling like I was going to hurt someones feelings. About two years later (2006) this personal journal became Fighting the Fight, to Finish the Race. My church decided to publish this book that I had written.

My mom was a big part of our church. She was the Early Childhood Director. She was the one who coordinated Benevolence Fund, which is now called Neighbors in Need. When she passed away there was a big piece of the church that was now gone. The church staff decided we should self-publish my book. They decided to sell the book during the annual Ruth Pope dinner at church and the proceeds would go to Neighbors in Need.

To many people who are "self proclaimed authors," self-publication is no big deal. It's nothing they really strive for in life. But the thing about me is, this is book is too personal. I bear too much of my heart to publicly publish something like this for the world to read. Self publication...to give a book to people who know me or knew my mom was different. It was enough.

Since 2006 I haven't written anything significant. I mean I've written some big time college papers ;) but nothing as raw as Fighting the Fight, to Finish the Race. But I find myself in that same place when blogging. I keep finding myself opening my heart wider and wider the long I blog. But I'm also finding that I feel better when I do. There are days that while Hadley is napping I have a list of 265 million things to do, yet I sit down and just start writing. Honestly, I will sit here for hours. Hours I will read blogs, comment on blogs, write my own, or jot down ideas for other blog posts. But these hours are hours I get to say things I would get to say or probably wouldn't say otherwise.

All of this to say, I'd like to start blogging more. A New Years Resolution perhaps?...Today is Jan. 1, 2012 you know! Maybe if I blogged more often I would spend less hours at one time doing it. I'll try for more, starting today. Even if it is 10:35 pm! :)

2006 - last picture me and my mom had taken together