do-over.

I like pictures. Actually, I love pictures. The last few nights I've had a hard time falling asleep at night. At night I've been laying in bed looking at pictures on my phone, over and over. I find myself looking at these pictures and trying to remember the emotions of that day. I try and replay what all happened over and over. I find myself wanting a "do-over." Not a redo, but a do-over. Redo implies I want to change the way it happened the first time and that is not the case. I literally want to do certain days over. And over and over and over. I want to live certain days for more than the 24 hours they were allotted.

I would love to do this day over:

I love weddings. I loved our wedding. I want to get married every day over and over again. Obviously, to Lee ;) To me, it was so fun. Everything about it. Planning it. Buying stuff for it. Seeing your vision all come together is just exciting!! Lee on the other hand...well he is a typical boy. He hates weddings. He is just ever so disappointed  (complete sarcasm here!) when he has to miss a wedding because of work. I guess our wedding was alright, to him, but he definitely wouldn't do it over and over.

But our wedding was a day that our lives began. We had our lives together. From that moment on it was about us. It was about us and us as a family. Our own family. It was the most magical day of my life.

Then our family turned into this:  

My heart nearly explodes every time I look at these pictures. I will never forget how I felt the moment I laid eyes on this little girl. I want relive that moment over and over again. Even though, it was the most miserable, painful, and longest day of my life -- that face, with her every smile and giggle, was worth all eleven and a half hours! Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm not convinced that I will ever have another baby. Those eleven and a half hours were horrifying. But what I am saying is that if I never have another baby, Hadley will be enough. She will always be enough. She has exceeded my every hope, dream, and expectation. I can't imagine my life any differently.



the brokenhearted

Life has been quite a whirlwind these last couple of weeks/weekends. Not necessarily in a good way either.

About three weeks ago I was sent news from a college friend/classmate that one of our teachers from college had passed away. She was my favorite teacher. One of my favorite people in life. She taught 95% of my Psychology classes while I was earning my degree. I would have her classes back to back for four to five hours every two or three days. I spent nearly all of my college days and hours in her class. The majority of my Psychology degree was under her instruction.

The reason I believe the crazy things I do, are because of that woman. She was a mentor, listener, counselor, and a woman of great faith. She was never shy to say that I was her favorite and in her eyes I could almost do no wrong. The most "wrong" I ever did was text message too much in class. We held the same views, opinions, beliefs in certain theories and theorist. My friend (and fellow Psych. classmate) Kelly, always laughed and said that the reason I liked Dr. Simmons so well is because we were like the same person. This may or may not be true ;)

Of all the hours that I spent in her classroom, under Dr. Simmons instruction, one thing so vividly sticks out in my mind. One thing she always said was, "Hate the sin. Love the sinner. Until we can learn to separate the sin from the sinner, we will never reach people for Christ." She taught us so much, yet what I remember is that she most importantly wanted us to learn to love people. All people.

That was all three weeks ago. Then two weekends ago, Labor Day weekend, my husband's cousin passed away tragically. We will never know exactly what happened to Ja, but what we do know is that as the preacher said at Ja's funeral, "Can you really think of anyone more ready to go?" I only met Ja one time. He was a nice, polite, young man. From what I know, he was a wonderful husband who loved his wife more than he loved himself. He was an outstanding father to his beautiful little girl. But most importantly he was a child of God who he passionately loved and lived for. Oh how my heart aches, for his wife and daughter. My heart aches for his little girls future of never getting the chance to really know her daddy.  His death has left so many questions and so many broken hearts. No one has the right thing to say. No one knows the right thing to do because nothing that is said or done will make his wife, parents, and brothers feel any better. I can't even imagine how any of them feel. Yet, I pray I will never have to know. Situations like this make you want to squeeze your child a little tighter at night and never forget to tell your spouse how much you love them.

I found this quote and I've scowered the internet trying to find who said it or if it is written in a book or poem somewhere. I can't find who said this, but I love it nontheless:
"Sometimes God calms the storm, but sometimes He lets the storm rage and He calms His child"

This quote reminds me that in all things and in all situations, God is there. We may think we are all alone. We may wonder why something is happening. We may question his plan for our life.
But in all things God will be glorified.

As the days, weeks, months, and years pass & we lose loved ones - Heaven seems to get a little bit sweeter every day.

(her eyes were closed- it was very bright outside!!)

"The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

- Psalms 34: 17 & 18

With these crazy last 3 weeks I'll leave you with this crazy picture of me and Hadge:

Teddy Bear Growth Chart

I stole this idea from Erin and I'm so glad I did. I'm sure I will be so happy to watch her really change throughout these pictures.

8 weeks

12 weeks

3 months: little love letters

Oh my dear little Hadgey Padgey,

You are getting so big!! You are, also, developing quite a little personality. It has been so fun watching you change and grow. I can't imagine doing anything else in my life. Today you are 12 weeks old. You don't go to the doctor today, but I'm still going to attempt to write for you 12 week letter.

-Growth: Since you don't have a doctor's appointment today I don't know your current, exact, weight or length. But what I do know is that you have gotten longer. And chunkier! :) We have had to lengthen the belts in your car seat 2 different times now. Once we had to lengthen it for an actual length purpose. Then I swear it was the next day we had to make the belts bigger again because they were a little tight around your chunky belly :)

-Eating: You are now taking 5 oz every 3 hours during the day. Right before bed time you take 6 oz. This past month we have had a hard time getting you figured out in the eating department. One day we decided to let you try some rice cereal. You do not eat this on a regular basis. Actually, you haven't had it since the "taste-testing" day.  I think you hit a growth spurt because you were wanting to eat all the time. Instead of deciding to permanently introduce cereal, we opted to bump you up to 5 oz of formula. This has done the trick...for now. Here are a few pictures of the "cereal taste testing" day:

You were really excited to try the rice cereal

....then you weren't so sure about this stuff

-Sleeping: You have been sleeping pretty well. During that growth spurt, you kept waking up at 3 am every night. That was miserable for everyone, but you seem to be doing really well again. Also, you have started taking naps. For the past 3 weeks, I've been laying you down for an afternoon nap about 1:30 pm/ 2 pm. You will usually sleep until 5 or 6 if I let you. This past week, though, I've started noticing you don't sleep in as late as you usually do (until 10:30 am). You have been waking up around 8:30 am or 9 am. Then you will take a bottle and play for a little while and then you want to take a nap around 10 am or 11 am. Today you got up and ate around 9:30 am and stayed awake and watched tv with Daddy. Then you played for a little while and about 11:30 am I noticed you would not stop crying for anything, so I decided to lay you down. That did the trick. You were sleepy! I think you're starting to develop and work into your own little schedule.

You still wake up all smiles and as happy as ever! :)

-Play time: Now that you are getting bigger and staying awake more you are really starting to enjoy toys/playing. We were giving a wonderful exercise play mat that has a jungle (literally) of toys that dangled and make noise. Your favorite part is the lights on top that flash different colors. You weren't too sure about the play mat at first, but you love it now! You have never been much of a "hold me all the time" baby. In fact, you don't like to be held too often at all. So now that you are bigger you really enjoy laying on the mat and looking at the toys/lights and looking all around the room. You have even been able to accomplish grabbing the toys hanging about your head. You get really excited when you get one! It's cute!

Playing on your jungle mat

This is your laying on your mat, but trying to roll over to watch tv! And Copper wasn't too sure about this contraption either. He doesn't seem to mind it now.

-Strength/Movement/ Tummy time: You are getting very strong. Your "new thing" is that you like to be held up to you can stand on things. This is good, as your legs are getting stronger every day! We bought you a tummy time mat that came with a pillow with attached toys. I thought this was going to be a great thing because the pillow keeps your face propped up so you don't lay right down on it. Then with the toys attached to the pillow they will give you something to reach for and play with while laying there. Well, I was wrong! I wouldn't have been wrong except you figured out how to push up on your toes and push forward (like crawling, but instead on your knees you use your toes) and push yourself head-first over the pillow. Bummer! This makes you super angry, which I can understand because it does not look comfortable at all. In fact, you hate tummy time in general. But you've got to keep trying to you can figure out how to roll and crawl one day. But at the rate you're going you may figure it all out sooner than later!

Laying on the tummy time mat and pillow

Pushing up on your toes and rolling over head-first. Oopsie!

You figured our how to get off that pillow and wiggle off the mat. There she goes!!!!

-Events: Two weeks ago you went shopping with me and Nammy at JBF. I wanted to go buy you some pants and a coat for the winter. We were in and out in an hour and a half, which I thought was good. Come to find out, you hate shopping! You whinned and some what cried the whole time we were there. We will have to work on this later. We can't be having this "shopping-hating" attitude! But your biggest experience was your first road trip this past weekend. We (just me and you!) traveled to OKC. We traveled during your afternoon nap time so luckily you slept the whole way to OKC and the whole way home! You did so well.

-Funny/Cute Moments: The absolute cutest thing that you've started doing is that while we are traveling in the car somewhere, you have started talking to the elephant on the top of the mirror you look at. You talk and laugh at the elephant the entire time we are in the car. I'm so glad that you are happy in the car and don't cry the whole time. You only start crying if we stop at a stop sign or light. Or you start crying if you can't hear the music...OR if you don't like the song! Oh geez. You already have very strong options. Another thing I never want to forget is how you first started laughing when Daddy would hold you and kiss on your feet. You thought this was hilarious. When he would stop you would extend and hold out your legs as far as you could to put them on his mouth. You loved it! Here is a little video of me kissing your feet and you laughing out loud. We love your little laugh! It is the sweetest sound I've ever heard!

I'll love you forever and ever. I promise!

Love,
Mommy