Expressions of the heart

I've always been a writer of some sorts. By "writer" I don't mean perfect grammar and proper punctuation all the time. Maybe I should say journal-er? Is that even a word? I don't know... 

Anyway, I've always been comfortable writing. While in school, high school or college, I was never the student to complain of a writing assignment or essay of any sorts. It was something I was relatively decent at doing. I was always the nerd that loved essay questions on test because if you didn't know the exact answer you were at least given the opportunity to gain some points by writing what you did know, at the very minimum. 

When I was a Sophomore in high school, my mom became very ill. She was in and out of the hospital for months with phenomena. It never really seemed to go away. To make a really long story short she was diagnosed with Wegener's Granulomatosis. During those months she spent in the hospital my grandma kept a very detailed list of: medication she was given, doctors visits / diagnosis's, questions she had, improvements she made, or the times she got worse. She also kept a separate list of: people who visited, people who called, and people who brought food or gifts.

At some point in time and for whatever reason that I can't even remember now I began compiling and typing my grandma's personal lists into a "journal" to save to the computer. Many months later this journal almost became therapeutic for me. It turned into a place I wrote how I felt about what was going on at that time. It was an outlet I had to myself to express myself without feeling like I was going to hurt someones feelings. About two years later (2006) this personal journal became Fighting the Fight, to Finish the Race. My church decided to publish this book that I had written.

My mom was a big part of our church. She was the Early Childhood Director. She was the one who coordinated Benevolence Fund, which is now called Neighbors in Need. When she passed away there was a big piece of the church that was now gone. The church staff decided we should self-publish my book. They decided to sell the book during the annual Ruth Pope dinner at church and the proceeds would go to Neighbors in Need.

To many people who are "self proclaimed authors," self-publication is no big deal. It's nothing they really strive for in life. But the thing about me is, this is book is too personal. I bear too much of my heart to publicly publish something like this for the world to read. Self publication...to give a book to people who know me or knew my mom was different. It was enough.

Since 2006 I haven't written anything significant. I mean I've written some big time college papers ;) but nothing as raw as Fighting the Fight, to Finish the Race. But I find myself in that same place when blogging. I keep finding myself opening my heart wider and wider the long I blog. But I'm also finding that I feel better when I do. There are days that while Hadley is napping I have a list of 265 million things to do, yet I sit down and just start writing. Honestly, I will sit here for hours. Hours I will read blogs, comment on blogs, write my own, or jot down ideas for other blog posts. But these hours are hours I get to say things I would get to say or probably wouldn't say otherwise.

All of this to say, I'd like to start blogging more. A New Years Resolution perhaps?...Today is Jan. 1, 2012 you know! Maybe if I blogged more often I would spend less hours at one time doing it. I'll try for more, starting today. Even if it is 10:35 pm! :)

2006 - last picture me and my mom had taken together